Sunday, July 25, 2010

Just DON'T drop the Kleenex. For the love of God, DON'T.

I went on another vacation. Well, technically, I'm still on it, but I just wanted to warn you. Don't worry, it'll be funnier this time.

So anyways (flips hair) the trip has been pretty top notch so far. There are plenty of cupcakes, I got a new book (Linger - I have a little countdown widget for it down at the bottom of this here page and the book is FRICKEN AWESOME by the way), and I have a crappy nice-ish bike that doesn't have working brakes so I can't go up or down hills has full tires. It's pretty swank.

The trip up here (here is Montana) was quite eventful. I had to wake up at 4:30 in the morning. I wish I could say "haha just kidding! No I didn'y, I woke up whenever I felt like it!" but I can't. If you're waking up that early, don't even go to sleep. Just stay awake the entire night because you'll only get 2 hours of sleep anyways, anticipating the waking up part and the road trip and trying to force yourself into sleep by thinking about mundane things like grass and parasitic ants. Trust me on this. Along with the waking up, I actually got to see the sunrise for the second time in the last ten or something years because I haven't woken up that early since first grade, I think. So yeah the sunrise was really cool. Then I tried to sleep which really doesn't work out sitting straight up in a minivan, contrary to popular belief. After, we ate McDonald's for breakfast because who knew there wasn't a cozy little breakfast place open at 7AM in the middle of Wyoming on a Tuesday? Not us, that's for sure. When I was finished eating and trying to sleep again, everything got pretty hazey and next thing I know we're broken down. I really don't mind roadtrips for some reason; in fact, I love them and that also means I don't care if we have to be stationary on the side of a road for 20 minutes. I really don't.

BUT THEN we had to face our tow truck and weird cab-type guy. Believe me, these guys just screamed SKETCHY BUSINESS. The guy who was giving my aunt, cousin, demon cousin, and myself a ride to the auto shop was the epitome of scary. He had tattoos of things like a partially nude chick and flaming cards on his arms and a Las Vegas bowling shirt (the ones that Charlie Sheen wears on the worst show on television, or 2 and a half men) with MORE flaming cards. His hair was dyed platinum blonde and sort of spiked up. He looked like he was 45 and he was on the chunkier side. Oh, it gets better. In his car was a Mexican blanket and a purple bunny on the floor. The other guy, though... he was almost funny. When he was attaching the van to the tow-thing, he was cracking. Cracking. Not an innocent little "whoopsy doodle, I better pull up my pants" crack, but a "I am full out showing you my butt crack and I really don't care. The breeze doesn't bother me at all." And on the back of his tow truck was a picture of a naked lady holding a towel up with a look of horror on her face that said "SNEAK ATTACK" to the side. Once you got past that, though, it was kind of funny watching the butt crack guy unabashedly walk around and pick things up.

When we were on the road again, things were going pretty well. We had a Cadillac from the nineties and two portbale DVD players for the demon child to be satiated. If you read the post before this, then you might have picked up that the aunt, cousin, and demon I'm tlaking about are the same from This is why you shouldn't let January out of the house. Oh, and we were riding with the scary nurse-professor that gave me dirty looks, too. It was her car and everything. Good times.

Then nightfall was bestowed upon us. Demon child was getting antsy and it was geting harder and harder to calm her down. I was still very loopy from my lack of sleep and found things that weren't funny hilarious. It was pretty awesome. I was laughing at scenarios in my head where I twirled a mustache and snuck up no somebody and they screamed like a girl. Then I would giggle without anything holding me bak and I'm pretty sure Cousin thought I was crazy. He was looking at me very suspiciously, but hey! He started laughing, too. When demon child was screaming and crying, attempting to escape from her car seat, I came up with a brilliant plan. Kleenex mustache. It was genius. Why wouldn't somebody laugh at a mustache that was a Kleenex? So I grabbed a hankey and twisted it in the middle and held it up to my face, trying not to laugh so hard I peed. It calmed her down, if not confusing her into tranquility, and Cousin started laughing hysterically as well as I. I started to laugh at scenarios in my head again, thinking about waiting until Cousin was looking away and outting my face 2 centimeters from his and muttering "Is this seat taken???" in a gravelly voice. It was a real knee slapper. I would try to talk but it would come out as "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWhaaaahahahahat HAHAHAHA eeeefffImeean iffff HAHAHAHAHAHA I wuuuuuzzz allllike HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 'Isssth HAHAHAHA thisss HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

I wasn't at my most productive, obviously.

Demon child found it pretty funny, too, and so when she started laughing at me, I shouted, "I MADE HER LAUGH! I WIN FOREVER! NINE MILLION POINTS FOR ME!"  because that's what I do.

Once all was calm again, we managed to make it back to the nurse professor's house and get into our car and make it back to our house all by late midnight.

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