Sunday, November 28, 2010

A gagillion and a half lies.

There are lies everywhere these days. Everywhere. In fact, I'm pretty sure your pants are a lie. And your hair, too.

And since I love making lists, I made a list of lies. And truths. Just read it, you'll understand.

  1. You know how McDonald's says their food is made of animals? Well it's not. It's made of shoes, sawdust, and ABC (already been chewed) gum. 
  2. On the topic of McDonald's, you know that McRib? It's actually made of satan hair and babies. So stop eating them. It's just nasty. Friggin cannibals.
  3. BlackBerrys (yes, I know I did not replace the y with ie) are not awesome. They are not miracle workers. They do not make things easier. In fact, they make it way way way way way way harder. It took me a total of three or more weeks to figure mine out. And I'm in honors classes.
  4. I am not mean to my dogs. I am just telling them like it is. If his breath smells like a dying rodent and a burning trashcan, I'm going to tell him. So what, if I'm abrasive? Last time I checked, you wore a really stupid hat, so there. 
  5. Staring is not okay. It never is. It never will be. So stop staring. You look like a douche bag. Just because my friend is Muslim does not mean she's going to blow up CostCo. 
  6. Apple, we really cannot keep up with your crap any more. If you keep it up, you better find the cure to cancer and solve world hunger. Seriously. Nine seconds ago, you came out with the iPhone 7 and the Macbook that is so thin it actually gets blown away when it's windy. Just stop. It's exhausting. You're either robots or mutants or both.
  7. Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl (I DON'T CARE IF IT'S SPELLED WRONG - it's a confusing last name. She's a movie star, she should be able to fix it.) need to stop making movies. Unless it's related to That 70's Show, I really don't care. And seriously, Katherine, you've made like 84 chick flicks and us chicks are bored with it. Your face is getting boring, too, now that it's everyfrigginwhere.
  8. I'm not mean. I'm a teenager.
  9. It's not okay to make sequels to Disney movies. Beauty and the Beast 2? Mulan 2? WTF. Toy Story is the only exception. Because Toy Story knows how to make a good sequel. The other ones are just stupid. You know the makers of the sequels were just looking for something to make the movie about, even if it's not related to the original movie at all.
  10. Dear Dubai, stop it. Stop it right now. Those islands are so not cool. News flash: Nobody is tall enough to see the shapes they make. And your poverty levels in comparison to your wealth is just painful. Douche bags.
  11. Moths are definitely NOT just like butterflies. EVER. Butterflies: pretty and polite. Moths: evil and scary and clumsy.
  12. I am not finished with this list. TBC.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Squeaky effing pants and other matters that concern or bother me.

I freaking hate squeaky pants. You know what I'm talking about. You're wearing jeans. You've got them crossed or held together or what have you and you move them. A tiny bit. Or you're getting up to go awkwardly walk to the water fountain during a test when you think you're breathing too loudly and freakin SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK as you get up. It drives me crazy.

And freakin Global Warming. Bothers the crap out of me. It's finafreakingly winter even though it should have been a month ago and now it goes from sunny to snowy to sunny to snowy and I'm like MAKE UP YOUR EFFING MIND ALREADY. But I'm crazy or something, so yeah.

Old people. Did I just say that? Yes. I think old people are people who are stubborn, like my grandfather, are the ones that bother me. The rest are great. Maybe he's only 700 years old, but he still hates everyone. Hilarious? Yes. Annoying? Yes. Egh.

REALLY?!?! They think that the rise in ADHD is because of better diagnosing?!?! NO. STOP THAT. THAT IS NOT OKAY. It's not because of better diagnosing. It's because everyone is sick these days and anger anger words frustration. It's because we cram so freaking many things into kids' heads during the day, with TV and computer (yeah, shut it, I know I love the Internet) and the news and stupid videos and crap. Jebus. We're driving ourselves crazy! In 15 years, mental disease is estimated to outrank heart disease in the US. PISSES ME OFF. But a lot does right now because, you know what? If the world ends in 2012 then I just spent like my entire freakin life on school. Awesome. I'm not saying I don't appreciate it, I do, but I'd also like to be able to practice what I like, such as philosophy and art and writing and photography but noooooo I have to spend my evenings working on math and science and whining and trying to trip myself so I don't have to do homework.

Rant in the face.

And I want to get rid of cable but no. All companies are Nazis and in the end all they wanna do is screw you over. But hey they'll give you a free toaster. I love toast. *unimpressed*

And my computer is still broken. Has it been twenty years? I think so.


Hah, yes, that just happened.

More things that bug the eff out of me:

Neighbors and their dog fascinations. Yeah, I get it, you want to steal my dog, whatever, but it's six AM, I hate the world right now, and I just want to go inside. Do you not realize I'm wearing just this jacket and jeans and I can't feel parts of my face? NO. Because you're wearing 90 jackets, a headband thing made of fleece, and snow pants or something poofy and unfortunate like that. SO please, let's not make this any more awkward than it has to be and just LET ME THE EFF GO. I want to be in my own house. Sorry, neighbor, you're great but I have crap to do that I hate more than Miley Cyrus, and those things may or may not involve catching the bus. Sorray.

And when the weather lies. LIES. YOU DIRTY DIRTY LIARS. I'd say you should be on Pretty Little Liars, but I don't know what that show is about and frankly I don't think you deserve to be in TV. So SHUT YOUR FACE AND NEXT TIME MENTION THAT YOU'RE ALL LIARS.

The news. Why do you have to tell me about abused children and dying families and fires every time I turn you on? Why? I know there's happy crap going on in Denver or else those slutty girls hookers in training, wait that's offensive too. Nevermind. But seriously news, you used to be cool. Hire Ron Burgundy and we'll talk.

Stay classy, San Diego.