Saturday, October 2, 2010

You know, your glasses really make your eyes look creepy. Oh crap, did I say that out loud?

No, I didn't. But that would have been hilarious.

So I'm just sitting on the couch, looking at pictures on Flickr because hey, I got some homework done so I get a present. You work hard, you play hard. Five seconds or eighteen minutes or some other amount of time later, I hear people outside in the stairwell outside because I leave the door open when it's cool outside. Oslow, being Loudy McNoListen Pants, started making his huffing noises like hey, hey, HEY you, outside, hey I'm right here and hey guess what? I'm gonna shove my nasty underbite in your face so you think I'm scary because as much as I pee and fart in this house, I do need to pretend I care about the people in this house, so hey, go away or I'll make louder noises and get something thrown at me. Or at least I think that's his inner monologue. So I said, "QUIET YOU," thinking the people were neighbors and weren't going to bother me. I don't much like talking to people who come to my door if I don't know them. Understandable because we've had ex-drug addicts selling magazine subscriptions and a bunch of Mormons and other unsavory characters who've come a-knocking.

But they were still there.

And one of them was all "AND DOGGIES!!!"

And I was like Whyyyy??? So they knocked and Oslow started yelling at them in Norwegian and I had to poke him with my foot multiple times or else Tiny would wake up and a certain dog would get sold to a restaurant.

Me: Hi...

Short glasses lady: Hi *smile* we're walking for (Democratic Politician) and (other stuff I don't care about). Are you voting for (DP)?

Me: Ummmm... we don't really watch the news very much. (Does she not see that I'm a minor?)

Silhouetted lady: Oh, well, you really should vote.

SGLady: Yes, and you're both registered Democrats?

Me: *confused, blank stare*

SGLady: Comrade and Parental are registered Democrats?

Me: Oh, um, Comrade moved and, uh, yeah, Parental isn't home right now...

SGLady: *hands me pamphlet* Well, every vote counts-

SLady: Yeah *nod*.

SGLady: Yes, it's a very tight race. So you should definitely vote.

Me: (You know, I'm not old enough to vote and I don't even know what politician you're talking about. Such a messy business, politics) *convincing tone* Oh yeah, definitely, for sure. Mmhmm.

SGLady: Yes, if you don't vote, the wrong guy might get into office, and we don't want that.

Me: (Oh my God, is this a cult or something? Are you going to steal my soul if I don't vote? And by the way, you and SLady look a lot alike. It's a little creepy, actually. Why does your shirt say 9News? Are you with the news?) *nod* Yeah, I'll check it out and stuff.

SGLady: Okay, thanks. *slowly closing screen door* Make sure you vote!

Me: (I can't wait to tell Parental about this... You know, I really can handle that door myself) *closes screen door the rest of the way* Got it. Yeah. (You're not strange at all. Very persuasive. You could sell ice to an Eskimo)

I locked the screen door (yeah, we got a lock. Be jealous) and went to sit back down on the couch, texting Parental the situation with commentary from yours truly. But they were still standing there. They were whispering and murmuring words and things and it was very suspicious. It was really awkward, me glancing over at the door and waiting for them to leave, them huddling in the stoop and just... scheming, I'm sure.

I'm never answering the door again. Unless it's a band or someone famous or a large, walking pie.

Holy bejeezus, was that a walking cupcake? Wait, does that mean there's a hooker lurking nearby, then?

Indeed it does. Because one of my neighbors is a "Lady of the Night."

To be continued.

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