Sunday, November 28, 2010

A gagillion and a half lies.

There are lies everywhere these days. Everywhere. In fact, I'm pretty sure your pants are a lie. And your hair, too.

And since I love making lists, I made a list of lies. And truths. Just read it, you'll understand.

  1. You know how McDonald's says their food is made of animals? Well it's not. It's made of shoes, sawdust, and ABC (already been chewed) gum. 
  2. On the topic of McDonald's, you know that McRib? It's actually made of satan hair and babies. So stop eating them. It's just nasty. Friggin cannibals.
  3. BlackBerrys (yes, I know I did not replace the y with ie) are not awesome. They are not miracle workers. They do not make things easier. In fact, they make it way way way way way way harder. It took me a total of three or more weeks to figure mine out. And I'm in honors classes.
  4. I am not mean to my dogs. I am just telling them like it is. If his breath smells like a dying rodent and a burning trashcan, I'm going to tell him. So what, if I'm abrasive? Last time I checked, you wore a really stupid hat, so there. 
  5. Staring is not okay. It never is. It never will be. So stop staring. You look like a douche bag. Just because my friend is Muslim does not mean she's going to blow up CostCo. 
  6. Apple, we really cannot keep up with your crap any more. If you keep it up, you better find the cure to cancer and solve world hunger. Seriously. Nine seconds ago, you came out with the iPhone 7 and the Macbook that is so thin it actually gets blown away when it's windy. Just stop. It's exhausting. You're either robots or mutants or both.
  7. Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl (I DON'T CARE IF IT'S SPELLED WRONG - it's a confusing last name. She's a movie star, she should be able to fix it.) need to stop making movies. Unless it's related to That 70's Show, I really don't care. And seriously, Katherine, you've made like 84 chick flicks and us chicks are bored with it. Your face is getting boring, too, now that it's everyfrigginwhere.
  8. I'm not mean. I'm a teenager.
  9. It's not okay to make sequels to Disney movies. Beauty and the Beast 2? Mulan 2? WTF. Toy Story is the only exception. Because Toy Story knows how to make a good sequel. The other ones are just stupid. You know the makers of the sequels were just looking for something to make the movie about, even if it's not related to the original movie at all.
  10. Dear Dubai, stop it. Stop it right now. Those islands are so not cool. News flash: Nobody is tall enough to see the shapes they make. And your poverty levels in comparison to your wealth is just painful. Douche bags.
  11. Moths are definitely NOT just like butterflies. EVER. Butterflies: pretty and polite. Moths: evil and scary and clumsy.
  12. I am not finished with this list. TBC.

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