Anyhoosers, I started this post because I was making a sandwich for myself and FoodBuddy and I turned the TV on because I can't handle silence unless I'm outside. Then, as I was waiting for the oven to preheat because I like my cheesy sammiches toasty, I began to do some wall-push-ups because I had a donut earlier and about a handful of Werther's hard candies (and I'm not done for the day). While working out and pumping my arms for the impending zombie apocalypse, I noticed that Dog Whisperer was on.
When we first got our dogs (now only 2 poodles because I
Then we got our next
I don't think there was a point to this post, much like many of my others. I'm thinking about writing more reasons why zombies are waiting in the seventh circle of Hades and also in the shadows behind the dumpsters at night, when you are at your most vulnerable and thinkn you're safe because it's nighttime and dark and who would be stupid enough to come out here at night? Zombies, idiot. Zombies are waiting to maul you and make you their man-wich. (Thanks, Zombieland and Woody Harrelson)
And I'm going to write about why you shouldn't have kids. Because you really shouldn't unless you're prepared to mop up gallons of pee, get poop from another human being on your hand, get puked on, never have any time to yourself everevereverevereverevereverever for the rest of your life, ever, and chase after them in a Target while
Whatever. If you were wondering if I'm still funny, don't worry. I am. Someday *looks up and to the left, gazing into the future* I'll be famous, but until then I'm gonna write about zombies and stupid dogs and psychopathic bugs that are trying to kill me. So make me famous and I'll bring out the good stuff.
PS. I have had to help raise my sister since she was born, so don't think I haven't had to wipe up more pee than a horse can produce and don't doubt the fact that I will do anything to get out of going to the store with children because they like to embarrass me and make me chase them and dive to the ground only to find that everyone is staring and oh my god I have to stop.
PPS. I don't like other people's kids. I'm sorry, I really am, and I don't mean to offend you, but I just don't like your kids. Even as a kid myself, half of the time I didn't like other kids. People younger than me that aren't blood relatives should just stay away from me or I might instinctively trip them or something. Sorry. You can't change me, though, so heed my orders.
PPPS. Now I have that song from Mulan stuck in my head. I'll add it to the playlist down at the bottom of this blog and then you can hear it and have it stuck in your head for the next seven and a half months. Ain't life sweet?
PPPPS. *sigh, drags hand down the side of face* I don't know how to spell my grandfather's name. I, I try, I do, but I just can't figure it out because his